I Was Not Breast Fed

I was not breast fed my mother had trouble the milk never came how could it in those days, in Egypt, whiskey and cigarettes were all the go.

Amazing isn't it how breasts are so fetishized in white, western culture. Look at African tribal women, they just walk around with them both exposed, and decorated with beads and wood and silver and gold. Not like in India, where the Rajasthani women are completely covered up from head to toe, silver rings on the feet, thick bangles around their ankles. The cloth their wraps are made of are full of color and design, music to my eye.

And here, in America, where the great porn industry thrives, the women are surgically altering their chests at a fast rate. Kind of makes me desperate all these weird huge shapes jutting out and leading the way. It's the opposite of anorexia. You stare in the mirror and think you're fat but your skeletal system is pushing up through your sagging aged skin. With fake boobs because hello? can I really call them breasts?, you stare in the mirror and turn from side to side, and think, wow i look so good, i'm so sexy, i'm ready to deal, every guy will be checking these out, I'm the most gorgeous woman, the most woman woman in the whole world. But your boobs don't fit and they sit straight up and out and the nipples seem permanently erect and when you go to hug people they prevent you from really feeling their hearts. Though saline is better right? Those ones are soft and almost real. And I watch as men watch them, they can't seem to help themselves looking over at the woman with the brilliant cleavage and the clothes placed just so.

Now, with my one breast left, the desperate feeling feeds a lowered esteem instead of a righteous attitude. Either way, I can't win.

These days, I'm interested in forgiving, losing my critical mind, stopping the crucifixion of other people and myself, being soft and melted with people who want to be around me, smiling more, laughing and enjoying every moment because to be alive is all I have, and my body is that heaven, the promised land I've been hearing about forever.