Do you have any idea how angry I’ve been? It started in my mother’s womb, while I was being born. Something stopped my passage out. Was she given some kind of drug or was she just too weak to help me out? This is the scene: I was moving through, everything was fine, well, as fine as the insides of a uterus can feel to a silky skinned, fine boned baby. Eyes clamped shut. No idea what was ahead of me and suddenly, out of the blue, obstruction. It seemed then that the first thoughts of my life flooded my mind. Questions were being asked of me, fear was imprinting itself in every cell. But while I was moving through, sliding and slipping, sighing inside, there were no thoughts, a kind of music relaxing my efforts, softening and paving my way.
Suddenly, a rush of liquid energy, the va-va-va-voom from all around me ceased to exist and no matter how hard I tried to push forward I could not. I was stopped, stuck, fucked.
And now, when I have to face cancer, all the orthodox minded people around me just can’t understand why I don’t, won’t trust doctors. Shall we start with my obstetrician? Rather, my mothers’? The one who told her it was okay to drink beer and smoke cigarettes while I grew inside of her? I know, we’re not supposed to dwell on the past, it was another life right? Nothing to do with who I am now…The fine Egyptian baby medical practitioner who told mum bed care was what was needed, she had to be careful, if she didn’t watch out, she might lose me, or lose her life. Off to a good start I see. Imagine how she must have felt, stuck between the god dammed sheets for all that time, no air conditioning in Egypt in the 1960s. No wonder the beer. And my father probably wasn’t much help, what with his bridge playing, work commitments, the yacht club and the sporting club.
So, there I found myself, with her clammy, bumpy, hot sweaty uterus cramped down on my face and neck, suctioning itself onto my back and bum, and somewhere far away, I could hear crying and loud voices, and I thought it was the end. It was hell in there, no offense mother, but it’s just not meant to go that way. I know now. My girlfriend is a Doula. She’s from Holland, and in that country, the majority of women have their babies naturally, without medical intervention, all those needles and blood samples, the epidural and caesareans. Not for those big boned Dutch women, oh no.
I remember - you probably don’t believe that I can remember but I do - that eventually I just had to move. I started to push myself forward, tried to ignore the flesh pressed against me and squirmed ahead, and my voice opened up and I started to scream and cry and reach for the sky. Somehow the sounds helped, my movement quickened, in stops and starts I approached the exit, I could feel it. Somehow the heat was dispersing and a cool breeze teased at me.
And then, wouldn’t you know it? Without my permission, a steel contraption is shoved in through what I knew was my exit and two cold, hard pieces of metal poked at me, hurt my face, dented my shoulder, and within minutes, the pieces clamped down on either side of my head, I could feel the controls out there, and my movement was interrupted and someone else’s movement took over. I came shooting through, screaming in the biggest rage of my life.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
The Story of O = being an outlier
Right now, the tumor stinks. There's a groove down the center, and placing a slice of lemon directly on it helps absorb the odor. I can go for hours and not notice anything, until I remove the bandage.
Dissolving a cancerous tumor naturally is the act of an outlier. A person on the edge of mass culture, who came out of that culture, but realized on many occasions throughout her life, that the normal life could never be enough for her. It was full of lies and stupid stories, people being mean and not trusting each other, competition and bullying in school, stress and expectations, unhappy parents, a brother who wanted to be left alone, and her neediness never fulfilled.
My body is taking every ounce of energy to dissolve this rock in my breast. I get breathless after the slightest activity and find myself lying down for a few minutes to relax. My body returns to a balanced state and I can get up and move on.
I have to admit it disturbs me, but I know once the tumor has completely gone, my energy will return, I'll build myself back to being able to climb pinnacle peak here in scottsdale, to dance at people unlimited meetings, to feel free to meet someone to enjoy sex with,.
Right now, with my latest man friend gone, I realized that I had perhaps been unrealistic to expect a stranger to come into my life, accept the tumor, be able to see it on a constant basis, help me out with maggot therapy, bring me bandages when it suddenly starts bleeding, take arty photos of the whole thing with his great camera and be interested in doing that, not feel sick at the sight of it, not wish I was normal and had 2 breasts, be able to not worry about the weird food treatement I've chosen, be able to stay passionate with me, and understand my dark moments, and hold me and tell me it is all going to be all right. Plus, make love with me several times a week, because after all, in my mind, sex and love are two of the healthiest experiences people can share, and I was up for it.
Now he's gone, he ran fast, I knew it would be better to continue on alone, be able to lie about naked and not have to cover up, do all my writing work relaxed, allow my breast to breath, go in the sun for vitamin D, take baths, not have to cover up and try and make it all allright, hide my tears, cry alone, not say too much about my fears and so on,
Still I believe, because I stayed with a man I loved who died of AIDS six years after we met, that it is possible to have such a passion between one another, lover or not, but to have a solid feeling that the person you are with will live, that you see them alive and whole, no matter what is going on, that you will speak up and say the things that will build that person to keep living, with joy and courage, to outlive adversity and doubt, together you see, and with others, everything can be achieved.
So, though we are separated now, I know who I am. I am a person who prefers to stay together with a person I adore, through it all, to change together, even when it gets tough, and one can't change immediately, needs help, but has that feeling of knowing change must occur, then I want to be there, to see and make those changes, to deepen my connection to love more to feel more, to cry with the depth of adoration I feel for that person, when I look at the skin, the face, the shape of the body, tears well up, because when I have made love to that person, I have completely taken them in to me, no separation, and even though habitual patterns of separation come up, I want to end them, to be close.
Thing is, the other person has to want the same thing, and be capable of extending that to you, and be excited by it, and know, that patterns are death, and togetherness is the goal, and we're safe, we're really safe to make these changes, because we have found people who really give a shit, who won't leave.
Like I told him at the start, I wouldn't be the one to leave, he'd have to be the one because I know who I am. I'm here to stay. I'm capable of forgiving and moving, I want to melt, I must.
When you've got a rock of toxic death in your breast, you know you have to move.
Dissolving a cancerous tumor naturally is the act of an outlier. A person on the edge of mass culture, who came out of that culture, but realized on many occasions throughout her life, that the normal life could never be enough for her. It was full of lies and stupid stories, people being mean and not trusting each other, competition and bullying in school, stress and expectations, unhappy parents, a brother who wanted to be left alone, and her neediness never fulfilled.
My body is taking every ounce of energy to dissolve this rock in my breast. I get breathless after the slightest activity and find myself lying down for a few minutes to relax. My body returns to a balanced state and I can get up and move on.
I have to admit it disturbs me, but I know once the tumor has completely gone, my energy will return, I'll build myself back to being able to climb pinnacle peak here in scottsdale, to dance at people unlimited meetings, to feel free to meet someone to enjoy sex with,.
Right now, with my latest man friend gone, I realized that I had perhaps been unrealistic to expect a stranger to come into my life, accept the tumor, be able to see it on a constant basis, help me out with maggot therapy, bring me bandages when it suddenly starts bleeding, take arty photos of the whole thing with his great camera and be interested in doing that, not feel sick at the sight of it, not wish I was normal and had 2 breasts, be able to not worry about the weird food treatement I've chosen, be able to stay passionate with me, and understand my dark moments, and hold me and tell me it is all going to be all right. Plus, make love with me several times a week, because after all, in my mind, sex and love are two of the healthiest experiences people can share, and I was up for it.
Now he's gone, he ran fast, I knew it would be better to continue on alone, be able to lie about naked and not have to cover up, do all my writing work relaxed, allow my breast to breath, go in the sun for vitamin D, take baths, not have to cover up and try and make it all allright, hide my tears, cry alone, not say too much about my fears and so on,
Still I believe, because I stayed with a man I loved who died of AIDS six years after we met, that it is possible to have such a passion between one another, lover or not, but to have a solid feeling that the person you are with will live, that you see them alive and whole, no matter what is going on, that you will speak up and say the things that will build that person to keep living, with joy and courage, to outlive adversity and doubt, together you see, and with others, everything can be achieved.
So, though we are separated now, I know who I am. I am a person who prefers to stay together with a person I adore, through it all, to change together, even when it gets tough, and one can't change immediately, needs help, but has that feeling of knowing change must occur, then I want to be there, to see and make those changes, to deepen my connection to love more to feel more, to cry with the depth of adoration I feel for that person, when I look at the skin, the face, the shape of the body, tears well up, because when I have made love to that person, I have completely taken them in to me, no separation, and even though habitual patterns of separation come up, I want to end them, to be close.
Thing is, the other person has to want the same thing, and be capable of extending that to you, and be excited by it, and know, that patterns are death, and togetherness is the goal, and we're safe, we're really safe to make these changes, because we have found people who really give a shit, who won't leave.
Like I told him at the start, I wouldn't be the one to leave, he'd have to be the one because I know who I am. I'm here to stay. I'm capable of forgiving and moving, I want to melt, I must.
When you've got a rock of toxic death in your breast, you know you have to move.
Friday, October 9, 2009
The ending of a relationship and odors of decay
The odors of decay can get to be overwhelming some days, during periods of tumor deterioration, like these past few weeks, and it being directly under my nose, despite the bandages covering the wound, I am left to smell the mouldy, acidy, rotting smell of flesh being removed slowly, over time.
These days I am emerging out of the shock of another broken relationship. I know I created the break, just as I created the coming together at the start.
I also know, that I was willing to overcome all the obstacles that prevented us from staying close, together, every excited. I have that in me. This characteristic of being a person who can go everywhere and all the way with another person, is a wonderful feeling to have and maintain. I can nurture that feeling, it comes with a dedication to the other and to myself. To not allow separation to be an option, because how easy is it to tear apart and start again? I find it hard on the body, unless I'm 100% in agreement with it. My preference is to let go every minute and start fresh with the person. Speak what is in my heart, be heard and move on.
But you need the other person to want this way of being at the same time. If they don't, then, there is no where to go with them or with yourself, except away, because it's always better to be alone and relaxed than in the presence of a person who is slowly turning off to you, who is led by ego rather than a melted need for you.
Now, I am going to live with myself and take care of the things that need to be taken care of, my health, my joy, my prosperity. I won't be looking around for the next one to fill my time and my mind. It's going to be new for me, and I'm doing it.
These days I am emerging out of the shock of another broken relationship. I know I created the break, just as I created the coming together at the start.
I also know, that I was willing to overcome all the obstacles that prevented us from staying close, together, every excited. I have that in me. This characteristic of being a person who can go everywhere and all the way with another person, is a wonderful feeling to have and maintain. I can nurture that feeling, it comes with a dedication to the other and to myself. To not allow separation to be an option, because how easy is it to tear apart and start again? I find it hard on the body, unless I'm 100% in agreement with it. My preference is to let go every minute and start fresh with the person. Speak what is in my heart, be heard and move on.
But you need the other person to want this way of being at the same time. If they don't, then, there is no where to go with them or with yourself, except away, because it's always better to be alone and relaxed than in the presence of a person who is slowly turning off to you, who is led by ego rather than a melted need for you.
Now, I am going to live with myself and take care of the things that need to be taken care of, my health, my joy, my prosperity. I won't be looking around for the next one to fill my time and my mind. It's going to be new for me, and I'm doing it.
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